Kate's First Response

Mel, that song is so appropriate for this Ragamuffin Journey's beginning. I've liked that song the few times that I've heard it, and when I really think about it, I realize it's more because that's my wish than because it's my total reality. I read the first chapter, and I'm struck by how THIS is the right time for me to read this. I don't remember it really hitting me before, or speaking to any need I was feeling, which I guess is why I didn't get very far the first time I started it.

But for such a time as this, Mel, you brought up this book. For such a time as this, too because the author is coming here and I'm planning to go hear him. For such a time as this, because yesterday, before I even picked up the book or thought about its subject, I was praying and I was so tired of being numb and feeling self-amputated from God... and in the deep cave of my own unfaithfulness, my own selfishness, I knew--I wrote--"oh, Papa, if I could believe that You really love something this depraved and messed up, how tremendous that love would appear to me!" I share this with you because when I got into the first chapter of the book, it was being spoken to ME.

I have this pattern in my life, this blockage that is keeping me from REALLY REALLY accepting that God is love and loves ME.
This is part of who God is--look at the Jesus-instances cited in the first chapter! Yet again and again I put up walls, assuming "yes, but not for me."...

I can say it to myself over and over, I should have held onto this lesson from Capernwray, but some deep part of me still sees Him as shaking His head over me, giving me up, thinking of all the ways I could be better and be doing better. Because He's perfect, for crying out loud!! He's wonderful, and beautiful and worthy of all my love, and I turn away and get tired and then get disgusted with myself for doing so. So then of course I assume He's hurt and disappointed and reacts like... like a human would react if I did that to them.

Anyway, all this to say, this truth--a really deep-down, unshakeable, impossible-to-uproot belief in God's love for even me--this truth is what I think I have been missing and a big part of why I go through cycles of negativity and giving up. If I can take hold of this truth as though it's REALLY TRUTH, oh, Mel, what a life! What a difference.

To have the experience of grace that Manning quotes Tillich about at the top of page 29...

what Manning confesses on p.27, about extolling the virtues of 'superior Christians,' I admire him for lamenting his own actions there. Because I know that this is part of my confusion, and it's part of how I've grown up in the Church, and because since childhood I've wanted to please and impress. So you've got to get up to supersaint level... NO! THERE ARE NO SUPERSAINTS!

Okay, this is extremely long. I'll stop for now. Obviously the first chapter has started a very timely and God-ordained journey for me.
Let's pray for each other as we go through this, eh?
I love you,
Kate

p.s. What was the song you wanted to play for me??? And can I post on this as an actual poster, or just a commenter?